worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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