i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
