At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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