Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
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