Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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