Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I'm like, not good at living.
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