Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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