Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
