I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
