I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
this will be a night to untag.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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