Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
