U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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