I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
