I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
