She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
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Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
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It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize