she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I think I just sharted jello shots
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