In America we eat man semen.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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