I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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