just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
