where am i from again
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
