Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
