Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
