90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Pooping to opera.
Randomize