Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
