I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
You are the jesus of drinking
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Randomize
