just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
he was CRYING into my vagina
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
