whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
