so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
