Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
