I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
