Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
