The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
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