My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
