bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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