why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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