And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
