When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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