It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
not ubering you a puppy
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
