hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Bring me that man meat
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
