Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I will die if light touches me.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
