Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
