She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Randomize
