I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
