I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
