I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
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Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
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I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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