we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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