I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Randomize
