no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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