Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
