Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
