She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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