I want you more than these girls want KFC
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
