Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Randomize
