I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Randomize
