in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Randomize
