I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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