I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
