Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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