i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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