why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
